Many of us spent years believing we had to become louder to be taken seriously.
Somewhere along the way, we absorbed a picture of what a leader looks like. Up front, quick on the draw, filling every silence.
So we tried to perform it.
And it cost us.
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My guest this week, Ruth Andermatt, has been a leadership coach for 28 years. She works with highly sensitive, introverted leaders. She describes herself as introverted “with many learned extroverted capacity skills.”
Her view of authentic leadership is simpler than anything I’ve heard in a while.
“When we’re present, the performance takes care of itself.”
Ruth illustrated this with a story about a CEO she coaches.
This woman landed in the role without seeking it, in a very male-dominated world. At first, she felt pressure to match the energy around her. She kept looking around the boardroom and saying, “But they’re all doing this.”
Ruth’s reply was simple. That’s not who you are.
So the CEO stopped pushing.
Instead, she started placing questions. “Have we considered…?”
Then she held steady. She didn’t rush to fill the silence.
And she watched the question ripple through the room.
That wasn’t effort, Ruth said. It wasn’t pushing a rock uphill.
It was placing one thought and staying solid while it landed.
If you’ve ever walked out of a meeting drained from trying to keep up, you’ll understand the difference.
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The part that stayed with me most is what Ruth calls “coming home to your own power.”
It isn’t a place you arrive at and stay forever. It’s a point you keep coming back to.
You get grounded. Something pulls you off course. You return.
A few deep breaths. A walk with the dog. Fifteen minutes with the phone off (or locked in a safe!).
Ruth does this deliberately before she walks into a room. If you spend the first ten minutes of a meeting collecting yourself, you miss what’s happening with the people you’re there to lead.
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We also talked about the difference between being nice and being kind.
One of Ruth’s client companies consists almost entirely of engineers, most of them introverts. In meetings, everybody sits back. The group is deeply committed to being nice.
“Nice doesn’t work,” she told them. “Somebody always gets hurt when you’re being nice.”
Kind is different.
Kind has boundaries. Kind speaks up.
Ruth had a lot more to say about boundaries.
“Such a big one,” she said.
Here’s a line that I’ll be remembering:
“You said no, but you didn’t act no.”
It’s not enough just to set the boundary. You have to hold it.
Most of us don’t notice a boundary has failed until we start feeling resentful. By then, she says, it’s like trying to build the dam while the river is rushing.
Her advice is to start small. Gentle nos, held consistently, until the people around you learn that you mean them.
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Ruth also named something I had to learn the hard way.
Introverted leaders are often good at making sure everyone is heard. The ones she sees excelling also know when to end the discussion.
“Everybody’s spoken. That’s great. Now we need to make a choice.”
I started out naturally collaborative. Learning to be decisive was something I had to work on. I eventually realized that people need their leaders to make decisions in order to move forward and feel confident in their work.
Listening and deciding aren’t opposites. You need both.
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This conversation reminded me how easy it is to lose touch with your own way of leading when you’re busy trying to keep up with everyone else.
Ruth offers a way back.
Listen to the full episode, and try coming home to your own power before your next meeting.
Connect with Ruth: