What It Takes To Change
The five-step path to transformation—and how to recognize when you’ve turned the corner.
This post is about how to change.
Most of what I’ve written and read about introversion and being a highly sensitive person (HSP) centers on self-acceptance—and rightly so. Navigating the stigma and misconceptions we’ve grown up with requires plenty of self-care.
But that foundational work is just the beginning. If you want to lead in the world, you must continue evolving to reach your life goals. Self-acceptance and growth are not at odds—they go hand in hand.
Change, perhaps, is the one thing I’ve truly mastered. If I had a superpower, it would be this—the ability to make real, lasting improvements in my career, lifestyle, relationships, and overall well-being. With each major shift, I’ve expanded my influence and deepened my impact on the world around me.
I’ve gone from:
Writing a novel, hoping to become a beloved writer, to
Working as a software programmer to pay the bills, to
Becoming a manager to support my growing family, to
Becoming an executive to make a bigger impact, to
Expanding my mission to help quiet people become leaders…
I’ve been through this process enough times to know how it works and what it looks like. That’s not to say it’s been pretty or in any way elegant—change is always a messy business.
This post outlines a consistent five-step pattern of change I’ve observed:
Life was going along tolerably until…
A great dissatisfaction gradually built up.
I reached a point of crisis—a point of no return
I radically shifted my state of mind.
A new path emerged.
Through this process, I developed the capacity to become the person I needed to be in order to achieve what I wanted.
But change is not just about developing a new talent or skill—it often requires expanding your emotional capacity to embrace the radically different experiences and perspectives that can come with it.
All the best things in my life have come through this process. I don’t know exactly where the rest of my life will lead, but I do know one thing: if it doesn’t involve many more rounds of major change, I’ll be stagnating—not truly living. The more I change, the better my life gets.
I hope this insight saves you some time and heartache the next time change comes knocking. Consider this a gentle push in the right direction.
But first—why change? What’s in it for you?
Why Change?
Everyone, in their quiet moments of reflection, knows deep down that their life isn’t exactly as they want it to be.
There are dreams we long to fulfill, parts of ourselves we yearn to explore, and aspects we’ve compromised or suppressed in exchange for the life we currently live.
If you’re reading this, chances are your life isn’t bad at all—maybe it’s quite good. And yet, something in you is still reaching for more.
We know we have more to offer. We crave something… more. It could be:
Money, status, or influence
More time—for family, friends, or personal projects
Better health, fitness, or well-being
Respect, recognition, or a larger audience
Travel, luxury, or financial freedom
A new career, creative pursuit like writing or public speaking, or your own startup
The ability to retire on your own terms
The list is endless, because human imagination is limitless.
Deep down, you know that not only are you capable of these things—you deserve them.
Change is Hard
This is where most people get stuck—when they come face to face with the true cost of achieving what they want.
I say I want change, but my behavior tells a different story. (I include myself in this—despite all the change I’ve been through, there are still things I want right now that I haven’t yet achieved, things I’m actively working on.)
It’s not because we’re flawed or incapable—it’s because real change is hard. If getting what we wanted were easy, we’d already have it.
There are real barriers to achieving the things you want to do, be, or have right now. We lack the habits, knowledge, experience, capabilities, energy, or grit. And yet, we know these things are attainable—others have them, proving they’re possible. Each of these qualities is within reach, given the right effort and motivation.
So, we take small steps. We read, we learn, we try. But then what happens? We hit resistance. Challenges, setbacks, obstacles. The universe seems to be working against us.
That’s when the excuse engine kicks in—also known as the sabotage engine. You’ve probably met this guy. Suddenly, we don’t have the time, the energy, the [insert excuse here]. Our infinite creativity, instead of finding solutions, supplies us with the most convincing reasons to stop.
So your changes don’t stick.
But let’s be honest—the real reason we don’t change isn’t the endless list of excuses. The same creativity that generates those excuses could just as easily find ways to overcome them.
That’s not what’s holding you back.
You might call it self-doubt, but it runs deeper. Most people never fully recognize what’s really holding them back. The real issue is what lies beneath it—your deepest unconscious fears.
These feared are ruled by that nasty central committee of inner critics—sometimes outright torture-masters—who, whether you realize it or not, are running your life. These assholes are responsible for undermining all attempts to change for most people, most of the time.
But even they can be overcome—with the right level of motivation and energy.
And that’s exactly what becomes available to you when you reach the point of real change.
Let’s walk through the process.
The Path of Change
This isn’t a prescription or a copyrighted formula—it’s simply what I’ve observed in myself and others over the years.
I’ve invested years and tens of thousands of dollars exploring this, and its value to my own life has been immeasurable.
But there’s no masterclass for $997, $349, or $37 here. No cliffhanger content locked behind a paywall. Today, I’m giving you everything I am capable of expressing in words, right here in this post.
(If I ever turn this into a book, course, or coaching program, would you be interested? Let me know!)
In my experience, these are the steps:
Life is tolerable.
Life becomes intolerable.
You hit rock bottom.
You change your state of mind.
A path forward emerges.
You grow into the change.
1. Life Is Tolerable
Most of the time, life is tolerable. That might sound like a negative way to frame it, but even the Buddha observed over 2,000 years ago that “life is suffering.” So I don’t think my perspective is particularly pessimistic.
As high-functioning adults in modern society (which I assume you are if you’re reading this), we move through a sine curve of highs and lows—oscillating between moments of real joy and real suffering, between what feels acceptable and unacceptable. Over time, it all averages out to something that feels good enough.
This cycle isn’t random.
Our lives are governed by the ego. We experience wins, we face setbacks—it’s an ongoing loop. You’re never going to stay on an even keel for long because your position is always vulnerable.
This state—this tolerable existence—can persist for months, years, or even decades, especially when it comes to major life decisions.
And if we’re truly honest with ourselves, this is where we spend most of our time.
2. Life Becomes Intolerable
Eventually, you reach a point where your current situation is no longer tolerable.
But be careful—this place is full of false summits. You think you’ve hit your limit—you can’t possibly take any more. And then you do.
You keep going back. You tell yourself, never again. And yet, it keeps happening.
Drinking one too many. Choosing the exact wrong friend. Checking your ex’s Instagram one more time.
You become resigned. Life feels intolerable, and each time you swear you’ve had enough…but you haven’t yet reached your breaking point.
Sadly, intolerable can last a very long time. Something in you is still attached to the way things are. You’re not ready to let go just yet.
You might be wondering: Why is all this suffering necessary?
Because now, you can’t pretend anymore. You know you’re suffering.
Does it really have to be this way?
The why behind it all is beyond the scope of this essay.
But is the suffering itself necessary?
Unfortunately, yes.
Until, finally—happily…
2a. You Hit Rock Bottom
This phrase is often associated with addiction—and for good reason. In some ways, those struggling with more visible addictions are fortunate to have a well-defined vocabulary and a set of proven tools to navigate their way through recovery.
The various 12-step programs, while sometimes ridiculed, have remarkably high success rates[1]. More often than not, when someone overcomes a devastating addiction, a 12-step program deserves much of the credit.
So what does this have to do with you?
The principles that help people recover from severe addiction apply universally.
We all have addictions—to suffering and pain in some form.
Even if you’ve never battled a substance addiction, you’re likely familiar with other compulsions: social media, achievement, work, sex, your phone, praise, or even self-criticism.
These, too, are addictions.
You are not fundamentally different just because you’ve never set foot inside a rehab facility, overdosed, or attended a 12-step program.
The mechanisms at play—attachment, avoidance, and the cycle of compulsion—are the same.
Maybe for you, rock bottom with your addiction looks like:
A panic attack.
A bounced check or a bill you can’t possibly pay.
An ulcer, or a bout of colitis.
A terrible business or investment decision.
An ugly outburst at your partner or children.
You or your partner cheating.
Your partner leaving.
A cancer diagnosis.
Rock bottom doesn’t always announce itself in dramatic fashion—but when it arrives, you know.
Rock bottom is real, and it’s universal. If you’re going to make a major, lasting change, you’ll need to at least glance off the bottom of it.
The thing about rock bottom is that you only know for sure you’ve hit it when it lands with authority.
It has to shock you.
It’s that final, devastating blow to your pride—a wake-up call to your psyche that says, Yes…even you can do something this bad. (Whatever “this” is for you.)
Because as much as you may blame others, deep down, you know: you are responsible.
And strangely enough, this is a gift.
Because something inside you—something that was slumbering before—finally wakes up.
A new inner resolve forms, one that knows with absolute certainty:
THIS CANNOT GO ON.
You also realize, maybe for the first time, that desperation isn’t just something that happens to other people—it has happened to you. You might have once looked down on this in others, but now you see:
It happens to everyone.
And in that moment of humility, an opening appears.
You become willing to try something you’d never considered before—anything.
Anything but this.
This is where transformation begins.
3. You Change Your State of Mind
You take action immediately—starting now, today. There’s no waiting, no deliberating.
You have to do something, and you start right away.
The key is to do things that immediately shift your state of mind. You need something that shocks your system, something that disrupts the mental patterns fueling your suffering.
Remember, your current state of mind is what’s producing your current suffering. If you want change, you have to break the cycle—and you have to do it every day, ideally first thing.
So you start waking up at 5:30. You immediately get up and start walking or running.
You take god-awful cold showers. You drink weird-tasting smoothies. You meditate regularly.
You draft page after page of apologies—or rage letters—to your parents, old friends.
You scream primally into a pillow or in your car on the freeway. (I’ve done all of these things.)
The specifics will vary depending on what you need in that moment. But the most important thing is that these actions disrupt your state of mind.
They break the cycle.
And suddenly, the habits that once seemed impossible—the ones you always struggled to build—start to come easily.
As the pattern of stagnation is disrupted, you begin to put yourself in a new frame of mind—one where change becomes possible.
By breaking your old thought patterns and habits, you start to rewire the neural pathways in your brain.
I first learned this idea in my 30s from listening to Tony Robbins’ Personal Power series.
When Tony was a young man, he experienced a night of crisis—a breaking point. He was deeply unhappy, overweight, broke, and desperate.
In that moment, he had to change.
So he did something radical: he started walking.
He walked across Los Angeles, through the entire night until dawn.
It wasn’t just the physical act of walking—it was the movement, the energy, the sheer momentum that propelled him into a new state of mind where real change became possible.
A plan emerged, setting him on the path to becoming who he was meant to be.
Tony advocated for this kind of state shift through deep breaths, ecstatic movement, mantras—anything that forces the mind and body into motion and breaks the cycle of inertia.
If you rolled your eyes at my mention of Tony Robbins, just know—I did too, for a long time (and sometimes still do).
His extroversion doesn’t neatly align with my personality, and his relentless commercialism often rubs me the wrong way. (For a hilarious exploration of an introvert’s experience of Robbins, see Chapter 2 in Susan Cain’s Quiet.)
But the reality is, Tony has helped tens of millions of people improve their lives, and I credit his work for breaking me out of a serious funk at a crucial point in my mid-30s.
I started getting up at 5:30 AM and walking in the dark each morning, reflecting on my life as I moved.
It was completely invigorating.
That simple act propelled me out of the self-defeating patterns I was trapped in and set me on the path to becoming a Director-level manager.
When you’re at a breaking point, you have to be willing to look anywhere—and I mean anywhere—for help.
Now is not the time for pride.
Most of us put a lot of stock in our intellect.
But your ego and intellect are often the least reliable guides in these moments.
Instead, you need to consult a deeper, more intuitive part of yourself to find what will actually support you.
4. A path forward emerges
In a new state of mind, the changes you need to make in your life become clear—making things right with your spouse, eating better, checking your budget.
You realize you need to earn more money, move to a cheaper location, or create more distance from family members or friends who are unhealthy or unsupportive of your growth.
These changes aren’t isolated; they are holistic, touching every part of your life.
Because you are a whole person—not just a career, not just a relationship, not just a bank account.
Generally, this shift brings a move toward greater integrity, aligning your actions with a new set of principles that better reflect what you truly want.
Say you want a promotion—you want to become your team’s manager. To make that happen, you need more focus, energy, and time to think about your next steps.
You realize that to gain clarity, you need dedicated time each morning to strategize.
But for that, you need a clear head.
The problem? You often wake up tired and foggy.
That means you need better sleep.
So why aren’t you waking up early and refreshed?
Because you’re staying up late, having a beer and watching Netflix.
Those habits have to change.
Then you notice your morning focus is constantly disrupted—by lingering issues with your brother, tension with your spouse, or a nagging conflict with a coworker.
You’re also stressed about covering the bills this month.
These distractions weigh on you, pulling energy away from your goal.
So, you realize you need to address them next.
Everything in your life matters.
Every habit, relationship, and stressor plays a role in what you do—or do not—become.
You need to better manage your energy.
Ultimately, that comes down to taking better care of yourself and your life.
The more you handle each aspect of your life as a matter of course, the more space, creativity, and energy you’ll have for any pursuit you choose.
If you’re still feeling constantly distracted, that’s another thing to address.
Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to regain focus—meditation, breathwork, various forms of exercise.
The right one will suggest itself to you if you take the time to listen.
In other words, major life change is built on a foundation of smaller improvements to your overall health and well-being.
There’s a reason truly successful people seem to lead a charmed life—where everything appears to fall into place effortlessly, with an abundance of health, strong relationships, achievements, influence, and material wealth.
But this isn’t magic.
They, too, had to put in the work, intentionally designing a life that prioritizes their well-being and growth.
Put another way, you need to become the person who is capable of achieving everything you want.
And that transformation doesn’t happen overnight—it unfolds through a series of small, deliberate steps.
If you’re unsure of your next move, seek guidance from a mentor, a coach, or someone whose perspective can help illuminate the path ahead.
Step by step, your new path takes shape.
And that brings us to Step 5.
5. You Grow Into The Change
Last comes the unglamorous work of settling into the change.
Over days and weeks, the new activities you’ve been experimenting with start to solidify into habits.
Some will stick, others will fall away—but eventually, they just become part of who you are.
You stop overthinking it and just focus on what’s in front of you.
Then, one day, someone will notice.
They might ask, How did you get here?
Or you’ll stumble across an old photo of yourself—suddenly realize just how far you’ve come.
If you embrace change, you’ll go through this cycle many times.
Here, I’m focusing on major life changes—the ones that alter the trajectory of your life.
These are the moments that lead you to
Move cities
Change careers
Get promoted
Build new friendships
Unlock new abilities
Discover hidden aspects of yourself
But this cycle also applies to smaller shifts.
The process may be less dramatic, the changes more subtle, but the same underlying pattern is at work.
Change—big or small—follows the same rhythm.
People far ahead of me on this journey say that, over time, the changes become more subtle.
Rock bottom no longer looks like an existential crisis—it might just be an afternoon of frustration, resolved through deep meditation.
But even then, something of this overall pattern remains.
We are ever-changing, because
Life is change.
What have your experiences been with major life change? What has or has not worked for you?
Yes in my case hitting rock bottom definitely pushed me into finding a way out. Luckily the Avatar ®️ Course appeared for the taking. Thank you for sharing your insights gained through experience.